Personal Stories

If  “personal” postpartum depression (PPD) information were available  before giving birth then I would have been aware of my postpartum  depression/anxiety symptoms. I not only teach college psychology  (including psychology of women), I also was given PPD pamphlets from the  doctor’s office. The same information was given that included symptoms  to be either suicidal thoughts or thoughts of harming the new baby. This  was definitely not the symptoms I was experiencing so I was confused,  baffled, and overwhelmed about what I was experiencing after childbirth.  After obsessively researching online and studying my psychology of  women textbooks I came to the conclusion that I was experiencing  postpartum anxiety. Ironically, the obsessiveness of my research was a  symptom of PPD! I could write a book about my symptoms but I will focus  on a few:

My symptoms first began during my hospital stay. Before  my daughter was born I was able to multi-task. Once in the hospital  multi-tasking flew out the window. I thought it to be impossible for me  to turn on the helpful breastfeeding videos available on the hospital  TV. I had absolutely no desire to shower or have visitors. My husband  was in Afghanistan, so my mother stayed with me in the hospital and  tried to coerce me to shower and dress properly.

Once home, I  could not sleep even though I was utterly exhausted. My heart felt like I  had just finished a marathon. My heart was always racing. I also had  tremors. It was January so I attributed the shakes to the weather. Now I  know tremors/shaking is a sign of PPD.  I also could not sleep from an  overpowering anxiety and worry of SIDS. I have not experienced SIDS in  any previous children nor have I known someone who had a child die from  SIDS so the incredible worry was not justifiable.  The worry led to  excessive praying, this too is a sign of PPD. Although praying is an  excellent act it is unhealthy when it becomes enslaving in a negative  form. To be more specific, praying itself is not negative; the worry is  the negative.

After a few days back home, the worst symptom  appeared. The previous symptoms mentioned above continued but I also  experienced something deeper. It is hard for me to articulate what I  experienced. A few words that picture how I felt include: suffocating  and dark. The only other time in my life that I experienced a similar  dark fear, was in college. I was a Christian but was caught up with  friends, school, and work. I was not reading the Bible or praying often.  I went to church but was not fulfilling a personal relationship with  Christ. As a Christian, I had a tug on my heart from the Holy Spirit  since I was drifting from my relationship with God. It was a dark and  scary feeling but with a hope behind the feeling. The PPD symptom I felt  after childbirth did not have a hope behind it. I felt as if I were  being oppressed by something evil and was in a very dark fearful place.  The feeling would not go away, which led me to not like to be alone  (another sign of PPD). The loneliness became an even bigger problem  since my husband was serving overseas, my church/friends were over 45  minutes away, and both my parents worked full-time. The suffocating dark  fear led to daily superfluous crying.     

When I look back, the  overall theme of my PPD symptoms was mental institution level anxiety.  Everything seemed as if it were a daunting task. For example, friends  and family encouraged me to post pictures of my daughter on Facebook. It  was hard for me to wrap my mind about how complicated and overwhelming  of a task it was to post a simple picture on Facebook.  I posted  pictures but it took a lot of tears and stress. Driving with my daughter  went to a whole new level of fear and anxiety. I also could not talk on  the phone and hold my daughter at the same time. Even if I was sitting  on the couch with her!  

After six months, I felt like I was  going to survive. I saw a light at the end of the tunnel. It wasn’t  until my daughter was a year and half old when I felt close to being  “myself” again.

My excessive prayers were clearly heard. I  survived PPD. God will never give anyone a task or situation that he/she  cannot handle. He will never leave you nor forsake you. "The  temptations in your life are no different from what others experience.  And God is faithful. He will not allow the temptation to be more than  you can stand. When you are tempted, he will show you a way out so that  you can endure" (1 Corinthians 10: 13 NLT). "Do not be afraid or  discouraged, for the Lord will personally go ahead of you. He will be  with you; He will neither fail you nor abandon you" (Deuteronomy 31: 8  NLT). 

More stories to come...